i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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