You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize