After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
