How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
MIDGETS
????
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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