The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I need moral support for this bender
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
