gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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