two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
