dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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