i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
