Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
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please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
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This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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