real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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