There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
