The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
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He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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