You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
