yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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