I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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