I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
