I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
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I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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