There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
