it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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