he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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