I seem to have left my pride at pride
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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