u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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