woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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