Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
