Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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