He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage