I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.