I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
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Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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