Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?