Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
