I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
