I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
