I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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