I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
bring money and cleavage
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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