dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
