Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
