that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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