I'm going to jail i love you
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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