Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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