Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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