god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
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Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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