I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
