just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
