Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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