I hate all girls vehemently.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
