Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
