Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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