why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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