Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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