she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
