dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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