Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the condom got lost in my hair
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
