Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
MIDGETS
????
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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