There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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