I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
