he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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