Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
