So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
