none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
