The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I need moral support for this bender
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
